Most of us have lived through an unpleasant time at work. When it ends, we sigh with relief and assume all will now be fine. Unfortunately things aren’t that simple.
A hostile environment can change us, we learn strategies to cope, to get our work done despite the difficulties. However, the very strategies that helped us to survive a dysfunctional workplace can be counter-productive in a more supportive environment. And in a cruel twist of fate, it seems to be almost impossible to unlearn something that you learnt when you were scared or stressed. So we often continue to be defensive, aggressive or self-protective even when it is no longer needed. We can’t seem to get rid of the mental junk we have acquired during our painful experiences.
So how do you let go of problematic interpersonal behaviour and start to behave in ways that work? Here are some tips:
1. Start with self-compassion. The less you beat yourself up for your failings, the more you will be able to notice the times when your behaviour isn’t working.
2. Get present. Mindfulness helps us to act on our good intentions. In this moment now, what is happening? Try to notice your behaviour moment to moment.
3. Do a self-assessment and get feedback from people you trust.
4. Don’t just change as a reaction to what others want. Spend some time thinking deeply about your values. Who do you want to be at work? How do you want others to experience you? Changing your behaviour is a hard slog, linking the change to your values will help you to keep going.
5. Aim to gradually evolve your behaviour rather than suddenly transforming yourself overnight. Just focus on one or two small changes and see if you can repeat those behaviours over and over until they are a habit. Then pick some more behaviours you would like to change.
6. Get really present in your interactions with people. Notice the impact of your behaviour on others. See if you can get out of your head and into this moment now.
7. Accept that when you feel threatened you are likely to revert to self-protective and unhelpful behaviours. Consider what might trigger that in you and make a plan to be particularly mindful and self-compassionate in those moments. Hold those feelings gently.
8. Seek feedback on your progress but accept that it may take people a while to notice that you have changed. Our opinions of others are quickly formed and slow to change.
Many Thanks to http://workingwithact.com for this post. The aim of Working With ACT is to translate the latest evidence from behavioural science, mindfulness and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) into the workplace. Check them out! Love & Laughter Always! – John